bits & pieces

I'm not an expert on any single subject, but I'm opinionated about several.

Hey, they forgot to invent a word for this. September 26, 2010

Filed under: Parenting,Pregnancy — nemecke @ 9:55 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

It’s been awhile since I’ve blogged, it’s been over 4 weeks in fact. In the past time would pass and I’d think of it in terms of a “few” weeks or a “couple” of days. But once a baby is introduced into your life you start counting time much more specifically – it has been exactly 4 weeks and 1 day since Brayden Thomas was born. Therefore, it has been over 4 weeks since I’ve exercised the blogging parts of my brain. It feels good to be back! (It also feels good to have a happy, peaceful, sleeping baby next to me).

So are you wondering what they forgot to invent a word for? I’ll tell you. There is no word in our current, English language dictionary that adequately describes what it feels like to have a baby. I don’t mean what it physically feels like (for me that word would be “hell”), I mean what it feels like emotionally. I really like jeans that fit well. I love ice cream. I really enjoy going for walks. I think shooting stars are amazing. So when I try to describe what I feel about Brayden it doesn’t seem right that I say I love him, that I really like him, that I really enjoy him, that I think he’s amazing. Shouldn’t there be a special word that is designated just for this? There should be something you’re not allowed to use for anything else. Like if someone actually tried using this word to describe how they felt about pizza everyone else in the room would go completely still and quiet and they’d stare at the culprit with their mouths wide open until it was so awkward she would just turn and leave and think about what she’d done all the way home.

So it might be best to either just make a word up or combine some of the best options we already have. Fabulous is a pretty good word. And so is incredible. So we could describe this feeling as fabible. I also like super and splendid. Maybe having Brayden makes me feel supdid. I actually really like supdid but maybe not for this particular situation. That may actually be better for pizza and ice cream.

The point is, I’m head-over-heels in love with my son and I wish I had more words to express that with. All everyone talks about before you have a baby is the complete lack of sleep you’ll get. First of all, that’s not the case for us at all ’cause we have the best son ever. But the other thing is, when I have to wake him up to eat at 4am (yes, I have to wake him up to eat) I love it. Yes, I would like to be sleeping but instead I get to pick up the cutest baby in the world and cuddle with him while he fills up his little belly. I get to hug him and kiss him and rock him to sleep and tell him I love him and there are no other distractions. My computer is shut down, the TV is off, my phone isn’t ringing. It’s just the 2 of us hanging out for 15 minutes before we both go back to bed and get ready for another day. But what’s the word that accurately describes that??

But lets talk about something on a bit more of a serious note because I think this is important and I wish I would have talked about this more before having a baby. People say the moment the doctors put your baby on your chest for the first time is a moment you’ll never forget. People say when you have your baby it’s unbelievable and you’re completely in love immediately. People say there’s nothing like it. You know what I say? People are lying.

When you’re 9 months pregnant you start dreaming about getting your own body back and finally not being pregnant. The hours and days after you have a baby you feel so much worse than when you were pregnant you’d give anything to have the huge belly and the swollen ankles back. The last thing I felt capable of doing was taking care of a little, 9lb human being. I hadn’t slept in over 40 hours, I hadn’t eaten in over 24, I was sitting on ice, I was bleeding – I was in pain. So no, I didn’t feel head-over-heels in love at first sight. I felt like I needed them to finally give me the dinner they’d been holding hostage for hours and I felt like I needed to sleep for a few days.

When I got home my postpartum hormones were so strong I could cry at any moment and was barely able to hold back the tears no matter how hard I tried. Now I was home and still exhausted, sore, sitting on ice, bleeding etc. but I didn’t have nurses teaching me how to take care of my son and giving me pain medication every 4 hours. I didn’t come home to the euphoria they show you on TLC’s A Baby Story. I came home to reality. No one talks about reality.

Please don’t get me wrong, I loved my baby from day 1 but I want other moms to be realistic about it. I want other moms to know it’s OK to still have feelings besides intense love for your baby. You’re still a woman who just went through a very courageous and tiring 9 months of pregnancy and hours of childbirth. The more I have started to share my feelings with other women the more I’ve started to learn that I’m not alone. But no one talks about it. I called my mom crying because I felt like a horrible person for feeling these things. I wanted my old life back. I wanted to go to bed when I wanted to go to bed. I wanted to sit and watch TV in peace and quiet. But it’s OK, it’s normal! It’s a huge life adjustment and women are allowed to take time to do that. Every day life with Brayden has become more and more normal and after just a few short days with him, my euphoria finally did set in. My moments I’ll never forget started happening every single day. Now I agree, there isn’t anything like this. Every day I fall more and more in love with him. But I didn’t feel all of this immediately and I’m not a bad mom because of it. I want other moms to be aware that they may feel the same thing and that it doesn’t make them a terrible person or a terrible mom. Being a parent takes a lot of patience and I think that is one thing you do start learning immediately. Be patient and your sense of normalcy will come and with it you’ll also get the head-over-heels in love feelings that they haven’t yet invented a word for.

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6 Responses to “Hey, they forgot to invent a word for this.”

  1. Martha Says:

    It’s great that you are speaking out about this…for some reason, even though many famous people have spoken out about it, it is still a very taboo subject. I will say that medical practioners are doing a better job at looking for signs…I had to take a 10 question “quiz” twice after Hewson was born – the first time I felt totally fine, but it wasn’t until the 6 week checkup when my postpartum was setting in. I don’t remember any of my doctors asking me any of these questions when Elliott was born. In any case, as you stated above, the more you talk to other moms, the more you realize just how many moms suffer through postpartum. It sounds like you had/have a great support system! And you ARE a great mom!

  2. Sara Says:

    Kaye,

    It’s really great that you can share this. Thank you for being so open to the rest of us.
    Sara

  3. Dana Says:

    Mind over matter for sure! It’s amazing what your body can go through and still come out with such an optimistic attitude. You are an AMAZING mom and Brayden is the luckiest little guy in the world. I can’t wait to be a mom and do it just like you!

  4. Hedy Says:

    Kaycie, your description of that special “4AM totally focused alone time” with Brayden is very touching. I too remember those quiet early morning hours when moms and babies bond so intensely. It has been so satisfying watching you evolve these past 4 weeks from a tentative new mom to confident and content. I remember hearing once that we love what we’re good at and we’re good at what we love. You clearly are good at being Brayden’s mom. Thanks for articulating so sincerely and truthfully the new motherhood journey…

  5. sue Says:

    Good morning Kaye,

    Your words prompted me to smile, then laugh aloud, then cry. I read the blog about an hour ago, and have been feeling proud of you and peaceful since I finished. This is a journey you and Scott were meant to take, and Brayden is blessed. And once again, your ability to put words to events and feelings that many of us have silently experienced is extraordinary.

    Love you,

    Sue

  6. Melissa Says:

    Kaye,

    I could not agree with you more – I love they way you put these thoughts into words, they are so absolutely true! Motherhood is absolutely amazing and yet terribly hard at the same time….so many adjustments to to a life you once found easy and comfortable. But it truly does get better and easier every day. Babies are such a blessing! I too cherish those early morning feedings with Anna – thank you for sharing your thoughts!

    Mel


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